goodbye 2023

I need to say goodbye to 2023. Goodbye to the most fruitful year of my life yet. If 2022 was agony, 2023 was the year of acceptance. I accepted myself. Told myself I needed to be an artist over and over till it took over my senses and I couldn't begin to think of me anything other than cinema. I am so much cinema I have to say, I feel it swirling in my veins. Its in my blood, even though I adopted it so late. When I was younger, there was a feeling I carried in my bones. Something perfect that I couldn't wrap around my mind. I saw it in my writings, in my stories, I saw in every day in my friends and family. I didn't know a word for it for the longest time. Because its such an abstract feeling even the best at it can't bring words to describe it an umbrella term. Cinema. 'Cinema Marrte Dum Tak' is the motto I shall carry within me. Till my hands and feet work, I shall write. Till my brain works, I shall dictate. And unto my eternal sleep, I shall dream of nothing except cinema.

In 2022, there was a grief I had that went beyond me. It was in every manner of my life, in my friendships, in my relationship and I carried this grief. It was a wild one. From the deterioration of a dream. When dreams break, they don't make a sound nor do they make their presence known specifically. They lead us to a different life. The death of a dream is the most melancholic idea in existence. I hope that answered your question, Poe. 

After Kevin's interruption, I didn't think of it again. Till that day, then all my feelings came to mind. Once I told my mom, the feeling washed over me. I felt this immense freedom from the stone I'd been rolling uphill for years; like a tree that bore no fruit. That night, I blossomed. I slept with an empty head. No thoughts, just all the worry, the grief and torment of living as an engineer eviscerated. It felt like a canon event. Something clicked in place that night. A trial of sorts. Before my confession, it was an unresolved dilemma - to be an unemployable engineer, or to be a talented artist. After this night, the tectonic plates shifted, its now about being a talented artist. Proving yourself. Gaining social capital. Understanding people, how dynamics work, how to build professional relationships, how to talk and understand artists. 

I've escaped my prison. The free world loves me and I love it back. But the free world is an unpredictable one. I know now the pressure of having to earn money from your art. To be good at something and still be undervalued for it. Your worth isn't defined by how much you make. But by the people you touch. Sounds like what a molester would say. Anyway, this year brings its own set of challenges. The ones that I enjoy, I have a feeling I can cope. I can do it. I believe in myself enough to bear fruit into this hapless forest.

Tonight, I will party. Tomorrow. I work. And the day after and the day after and the day after.
So it goes.