the act of murder

It has been months since I returned to a quiet room on a Wednesday evening. Ever so often, I'll read a story which brings to the conclusion that I could write it better. But what is talent for if you never use it? If it doesn't go beyond the benefit of the few. I need to get so many things down on the page before it escapes my mind to be honest. A friend dating his ex who broke his heart, another trying but to no success to evoke reaction in the woman he likes. I told him to keep his options open. Another who has dropped out and is pursuing a risqué career path. One who injured himself yet tirelessly is trying help the risqué path chooser. A guy from Pune who convolutes his script further at my every suggestion. Another who keeps breaking their own heart in a cyclic manner. Their ex who strays away from their own goal, career and life constantly. My best friend who's so afraid of getting his heart broken agrees to remain friends with the girl he loves. Another best friend who I'm not on good terms with; one who's giving her exams and hasn't replied to my texts and another in a different city. But I miss her even though we haven't met a lot.

There's the love of my life in another city waiting for me. I'm waiting for her too. I hope I get to see her soon. All of this makes me realize how lucky I'm to be surrounded by people who love me so often that I don't need to worry about the lower strata of bullshit society (Ritika) and other scum like her. I don't need to worry about my friendships because it's bound in (blood) love. I don't need to think twice before stealing things I need to make my stories more interesting. I don't need to worry for my life when I leave home because I live in a safe city. My thoughts and words are getting convoluted but I demand to keep writing. To keep writing till I run out of words and thoughts. Till my fingers bleed. Till my words sound as tired as me after my day at Imagica. Speaking of which was a wonderful experience. There's a friend who's dating someone who doesn't want them to speak about their relationship in public. They're afraid if the others know they might tease him. It makes me think 2 things: someone who's not confident in their relationship enough does this. For fear of acceptance or someone who's fooling around with more than one person. I think about this in every context and the answer's the same, they're pretty suspicious. 

My water bottle is empty but I don't wish to get up I need to continue writing. I need to write like I need to live. I need to write because I can't do anything else. I need to write because I need to live. I need to write or I won't make it. Or because living requires leaving something behind. It's only a complete life if you've left something behind. Usually it's words, photographs, artistry or the thoughts and feelings. I think of so many people who've never lived. They only exist on their Aadhar cards, their PAN cards or their passports. What about the masses who've never penned a word, didn't discuss a thought or haven't spoken their first honest sentence. Everyone is writer, everyone is a designer. Their skill levels may differ but one thing's for sure. Everyone deserves to create. I see a lot of people try and they never succeed. But I've also learnt to appreciate their will to try. Their will to create. Even if it's shitty cringe content for TikTok or Instagram. It's not an easy job to write and not everyone with the power to write should write. 

Not everyone should write. Not everyone has the skill that writing demands. It's a tedious lifestyle and I've barely seen anyone who talks of themselves to be a good writer to be a good writer. They're all pompous assholes who hold themselves to no standards. They're rubbish creators, misinformation dealers and assholic basterds of the lowest stature. Not everyone who speaks can be an actor. Not everyone who writes should be a writer. Power should remain with those who possess the talent and not everyone with talent should remain in the shadows. Being talented is an auspicious gathering. If I take for example the writer of Berserk or that of Monster. They created masterpieces. Stories with the backbone of storytelling, visuals dropped straight from the holy books; lovely character arcs that are the deserving of the highest degree of appreciation. Knowing all this I derive pride in the fact that I wish to be one of the greats. I need to write more characters. Characters that demand more. Need more with more drive. With a crazier side that I don't wish to get on. I need to write about other people beside me. I'm the problem. I am lazy. I am undisciplined. I wish to do so much but my body refuses to agree with me always. I need to study for JET but here I am penning my thoughts on a random evening. On a random cold Saturday before the days it rained in Mumbai. I have had so much go on recently but I haven't cried about any of it, I have taken it even if it was harsh. I have been listening to music I never heard before. Enjoying things I've never done. Traveling is a huge part of my life now. I went to places I never saw myself in. I've thoroughly enjoyed my time.

FTII is a dreamless heap. I want to stack all my dreams into a sandwich middle and chomp it down bit by bit. I want my computer science education to play a role in my films. My literary taste has developed; my aesthetics have evolved. I am a different man; a new man. I wish to enjoy life but I'm too shot down by my own ambition. My productivity has increased. Output. Throughput. My consumption of media has changed too. Everything is a learning experience. Nothing is lesser or worse than the other. I've found entertainment in B-grade films, eroticas, violent manga and Indian crime thrillers. I want to write my own stuff to be put to the test. I want to write comics. I want to make a story from the ground up. Find my own Shawshank Redemption. A story so thoroughly beautiful, everyone comes to appreciate it. I want the world to see my culture, heritage and the beauty of India in it. Once I write it, I will know. I can't die till I write my masterpiece.