itsy bitsy spider spins a web of thoughts

Perhaps I'm wrong for having this in my mind but friendships do a hold a priority basis. When that one friend whom I claim really understands me shows up I make sure to let him know he's special to me. Sure when others are around we don't speak the same stuff we do while we're on our own. We talk about philosophy, morality and God on our own. Dissect personalities of our friends, how our decisions have affected us. I tell him I've missed him. It's only been a month since Dhruv moved away and I forgot how much I yearned those conversations as we walked through the building and told each other all these random thoughts. Mostly he listens to me talk. But he's an active listener. I wouldn't call him my best friend but I think I've told him things I've never told anyone clearly. My thoughts, my thinking process and how I analyze behaviour.

Let's take a case study for this purpose. If you have a best friend, you would definitely treat them better than those around you. Since they're high on the priority list. They know you a level too deep for you that would've been comfortable in other relationships. Right? This is right for me. I do these things. Maybe this is why I'm the one usually heartbroken. I call Chinmay my best friend. He's my case study. I think two weeks ago I tell him I'm coming to college to see him. I call him when I reach and as I wait for him in the canteen I'm sitting there watching him with his friends. Reuben tells me he's leaving. I said no, he knows I'm waiting for him. When he doesn't come back 10 minutes later, I begin to doubt he remembers I'm here.

I call him. He answers with a "I know, I know. I'm coming." 

"Where are you?"

"I'm at Hill Road." I hang up. I clench my wrist. My nails dig into my palm and I realised I need to cut them. I bang it on the table and tell Reuben he's right. If there was a bet placed, I'd have lost it over trust. Chinmay comes back when I'm alone with Kevin and begins to whine about how I didn't pick up the phone and that he had to take an auto back. I want to say what was the rush? I was foolishly waiting anyway. It didn't matter if you had taken another hour to get back. I'd do that. Even if I was sitting alone.

However, I let it go. I don't make a big deal of it. He doesn't. He makes two-three unfunny jokes. Then upon seeing my reaction, decides to forget and move on. I bring it up later and he talks like it's my fault that I didn't pick up. Or I was waiting knowing he had to go. My question was did he even let me know he was leaving? I honestly forgot about it. Till yesterday.

Chinmay leaves with me. His classmates come right behind us. I remind him we've to buy a gift for Tanu. He'd forgotten I'd asked him two weeks ago and I forgot to remind him. At the bus stop, he asks me whether I'd like an expert opinion. I say okay. Sure. He calls out Eliza. Sebastina promptly asks who's it for. I say my girlfriend. She asks me a couple questions which I don't answer. Chinmay wants me to tell her she isn't here. In Mumbai. She answers, "Long distance? Sad." I don't want to look at her face anymore. Her sight makes me despise her. My answers are shorter and I want to get away. Divyansh joins in on the band later. But it's Sebastina's loud voice who informs him. I don't expect any less than a sarcastic comment from Divyansh and he delivers. He acts in character. Sebastina's aloof and loud behaviour surprises me. I don't really see what's there to like about her. I don't. I want to get away at this point. Even more. When the buses line up, Chinmay asks everyone to sit on the last bench. They do. Except me. Chinmay sits between Pooja and Divyansh. Then makes a comment about me sitting away. I was okay with this. I wished they'd get off and not look at me. Because I'm so flustered I'm afraid if I fumble with my words I might say things I actually mean. Sebastina asks me if we're friends. I answer honestly. That's the only thing I said that I actually meant. 

When we get down Chinmay walks with me as I expected him to do. He walks and I walk away faster. I'm too keen on getting away that Chinmay walks along with me. We stand waiting in front of McDonalds waiting for his classmates. His friends. I talk to him calmly. I try to regain my composure it works. We walk in, me at the edge with Chinmay in between and Savit on his right. I sit first and turn to my right to face Chinmay. He sits next to me. Then he does something. A very particularly off thing. He turns his back to me. I'm confused by it. But I don't think much of it. He must want to speak about the orders with them. To avoid the awkwardness of having the only person I know having his back turned to me I take out my phone and looking what to order on the app. When Savit stands up to get his order, Chinmay turns to me asking me what I want. And we have a bit of a discussion and we decide not to order. We sit and talk about random things. 

Then it happens again. Savit sits next to Chinmay. And I am alone. An afterthought. A lesser conversation perhaps. Maybe talking to someone else is more important. Best friends are always around anyway you get a lot of time to talk to them, yeah? They'll understand you. Even if you make mistakes they'll forgive you. Yeah? Who am I to intrude on their conversations. Besides, I'd heard Savit's comment on the bus and I already knew the kind of person he was if he thought commenting on someone he doesn't know while sitting right behind them was alright. 

This was a disgusting set of people that I was sitting there with. I didn't want to associate with any of them. I take out my phone and scroll. Shut off by my so-called best friend who literally turned his back on me when someone else came along. Not once but so many times. It doesn't really matter who you're to me one on one when I'm disposable to you amongst another group of people. 

I remember I'm getting late and I need to buy Tanushi's gift. I'm almost about to tell Chinmay to stay so I can leave but then Divyansh enters with almost a dove branch. Asking me why I'm not talking or eating. That I could dig into his fries and coke. It didn't mean anything to him, but he'd single-handedly treated me better than the "best friend" who remembered to comment on an advert playing on a screen to let me know he hadn't forgotten me.

Divyansh's gesture let me get a little bit out of myself and I kept my phone down and joined into the conversation. I showed a bit of talk. Hollow even if my words were, nothing mattered to me after this.

I'm not saying that Chinmay's like this always. And I'm not defending him. In one on one situations, he's good with me. As I am with him too. But when others are involved, I become an afterthought. I don't think I even treat strangers this way. 

I remember the times in college where I let other people join us at the lunch table and included them into our conversations. If they liked it, they continued talking. If they didn't, they could leave. Even when I took Aarush, Chinmay and Reuben with me to Yacht to meet Devesh and Abhigyan. I made it a point that I'd introduced them all and included anyone who was willing to talk. I think Reuben and Abhigyan would've left as great friends if Abhigyan wasn't blackout drunk. I include people. Make them feel special. Let people know when I miss them and treat my friends like friends. As best as I can. 

This is why I can never open up with anyone. 

Dhruv has been a great friend. And I think I can open up to him better knowing he understands even if he can't empathize with situations. He treats people at the exact priority level they are to him, and as his friend I couldn't ask for more.