no burning desire

Earlier when I spammed the keyboard in the burning hours on my clock past midnight, I always felt a certain disquiet of rage. There's no on-going rage on any matter in my life at the moment but as time slips away there's a feeling of running out of time. I am the man out of time. I have been so for most of my life it feels, always thinking ahead: about futures that come to be true, lives I haven't witnessed or lived, no time to live; no time to die. There's this feeling that I'm going to regret a lot of things in the future. Maybe time not spent on friends, watching eight films and increasing my stats on Letterboxd where I could've enjoyed a cup of tea and two samosas every day sitting at the table with my friends at lunch, or maybe I could've been the glue that holds everything together.

Siddhi tells me how she sees me for everything I do, that she notices the way I go out of my way to make everyone feel included, not outcast from our group. That she pays attention to me, well. I liked it. I wish more people paid attention to me and asked why I do things a certain way, I'll give you my reasons and I'll tell you my secrets because you need to know what I know about life. As and when I'm learning more about it. Especially now, because every day I learn something new. Because every day I find new information, new perspectives to explore, more synapses to fire up with God-given selective memory that I procure so much data and remember so much but I forget what I say, not to foretell the things that happen due to that but it doesn't cause me harm really. Not yet, at least. 

I'm a suitcase of memories that dwelled inside; an emotion handler, tunnel vision, it's getting difficult to see. I live here on the bedrock of thoughts that lived, unnourished. Shrunk and shriveled in time. If you step down from under, you will drown. I come home and set down the baggage that has my shoulders aching carrying you was heavier than I wanted to admit.

There's a feeling that in a year's time, I will look at my last video as a happy memory, us frozen timely in little bits: moments that will stand the test of time. As we go on, I begin to enjoy it more. There's cinema vérité feel to the moments that were recorded. I know I'll be watching it in a few years time not remembering the feelings I had at the time it was made. I'll have forgotten how it felt, maybe the others will too and all they will see was how happy they were. And call each other to say how much they cherished their time together even if they have nothing more to say. 

Pratham and I made a calendar reminder: To see how many people still talk after college has ended; I'm curious to be very honest, I know whom I wish to continue talking to, or get attached to more but I feel that my feelings will change and so will the priorities of those whom I wish to speak to and in turn, it'll damage a lot of relationships. The ending of an era we all know. I hope by that time, I'll be consistent. I hope that I get placed. I hope that everything will resolve. That those who can't look at each other right now, look each other in the eyes and say I saw our old videos, I miss you. Can we talk? That's when I will succeed.