All my friends are rockstars

I have been thinking. Sometimes, I feel as though if I was paid a penny for my thoughts; I'd be drowning in a house full of coins I can't even use in my country to buy candy. I watched two films today: Kuttey (2023) - A film where Arjun Kapoor unironically murders a bunch of NPC characters for no rhyme or reason. I guess his spree was financially motivated but it didn't really drive me into liking his character. Then I saw Kai Po Che (2013) - a film that mourns the death of Sushant Singh Rajput as his character, Ishaan Bhatt, a veteran sportsman who couldn't achieve his dreams helps a young promising boy to do it for him, I can definitely relate to his character and even sympathize and understand him. Unlike Arjun Kapoor. The entire film is based on how well-received and how charming Ishaan's personality and motivations can be before he's bought to his death. I tried so hard not to cry during the final act but Amit Sadh was crying so I couldn't help myself. Then I watched an episode of Trial By Fire. It's about a couple who find out their children's tragic death wasn't an accident but rather a plot by the rich and powerful that burn down a cinema hall trapping the people inside. I'm assuming there's going to be a trial but before that I have to mention the funeral. The kids died by suffocation, I think, which is why they don't have scars. Their mother, Neelam spots her friend Anisha in the crowd and tries to console her thinking Anisha lost her son who was supposed to be there with her kids. But there's a catch, Anisha's son, he wasn't there. He was late. And found the doors locked from the outside. But in the moment when Anisha informs Neelam about her son surviving the incident. There's a horror on her face. A horror of being cheated. Cheated of life. Cheated of death. These were not incidental, they didn't just happen. They were artificial deaths.

I think I missed the point I'm trying to make. I wished to say when death happens, sometimes, it's random, other times it's known and then there are man-made deaths. If we had a funeral for every character that died then we wouldn't have enough graves to bury our dead. And when death happens we feel cheated. Cheated of moments we could've spent with the people we love. Cheated of seeing them laugh, cry and live out the life they wish to live.

For a year, ever since I returned from that prayer ceremony for my friend, Miransh, I've been intensely aware of my own mortality. Recently, I watched Blade Runner 2049, which made me think of this statement.

"Our lives mean nothing next to a storm that's coming. Dying for the right cause. It's the most human thing we can do."

What is the cause for him to die? He was 19. Quiet, helpful; even had dreams to do things although - he didn't share it with us. I've been sick for more than a week and never have I ever thought about my own death with such volition prior to this. I thought about my life a year ago, specifically my friends and the dynamics of a group that doesn't exist no more. It's devastatingly real. I haven't lost any friends, I communicated my thoughts and got through my issues I don't understand the problems a lot of the times. I have partly been blaming myself: for my absence, maybe I'd help them figure out their stuff; calm their mind, maybe I'd have had some fights myself and resolve all the issues. This was pointed out to me several times that we had things to talk about. I remember a year ago, calling and texting everyone when the news broke to me. "Miransh chal bassa", I remember Ayush's broken voice. He had been crying previously, he found out himself through an acquaintance he hadn't spoken much to. One more guy, he didn't need to know. I remember when I didn't cry. I didn't cry for a while. I told everyone and we didn't know what to say. I went to my mom's room; woke her from her nap, told her my friend had died, then I broke down. I cried so hard that I bit my tongue. I gulped down on the pain in my chest and my mouth but I kept crying. Bitterly.

Move to 2023. Everyone fought. Some aren't talking, others stopped seeing each other. Reminds me of that Jon Hamm's Black Mirror: White Christmas episode which censors people out of life when you block them. Some of my friends treat each other to the real life equivalent of that. From where I come from when you've got issues you sort them out. You don't preserve friendships, you preserve the very real connections you've had with people.

When I was 15, I knew I had friends but I stopped seeing some of them as friends. It was because I had nothing in common with them. They didn't help me in any way. Didn't push me to be better. They didn't even push themselves. And I loathed them.

When I was 17, I found friends that I had things in common with but they had their own individuals lives they didn't bother to ask me how I was but we did have a lot to talk about and I was grateful.

Now, I'm 20. I used to have a group of friends that sat together and talked, had fun; we spoke about things that made sense, even things that didn't. None of it mattered. We were all happy for a while. Then shit fell from the sky. I lost track of everything by the end of 2022. Calling it one of the worst years wouldn't be far from the truth. Even though my high school years were shit, I didn't feel totally lost to the discomfort of existence. I looked forward to the way out, leaving high school and living out my ideal college life. So when the year began and I knew I was going to spend my time with my friends, I was on the top of the world. It's only when your world comes crashing down that you begin to make sense of your life that doesn't exist no more.

I watch back my older videos and I think yes well, all my friends are main characters yes. And I dream of them as my huge cuddly ensemble cast and me: the ideal director who shoots them and carves out their characteristics and gives them a purpose and a cause. I feel like I failed as a friend for not being around for some time. There's some problems with myself I need to fix in order to find true order.

My entire group of friends are rock stars. They just don't realise how incredible they are. Siddhi should be a well-known astronomer or an artist, Chinmay a wealthy ass engineer, Pratham an award-winning writer, and Reuben and Aarush whatever they want to be. Mahender should find his footing in his own business. One where he makes cars, bikes, and children all at the same time. Sachi would be a popular musician whose songs I listen to when my mind is racing. Mohini should be a dancer. Bharatanatyam.

I miss them. As bitterly as I miss Miransh's presence. I hope one day, all this resolves. That we all sit at our table in the canteen and eat our lunches and talk about sweet nothing's. Till then, I'll re-watch my older videos and shoot new ones. Separately, hopefully it works to get them to learn more about each other while they're apart. And something to smile at when they're old and gray.

I leave you with this:

Take on me

Take me on

I'll be gone

In a day or two

All things that you say, yeah

Is it life or

Just to play my worries away?

You're all the things I've got to remember

You're shying away

I'll be coming for you anyway

Take on me

Take me on

I'll be gone

In a day.

the prophets of our time