I don't feel at home in this place

 I feel as though I got this but I really don't. Thing is, Vallance is unhappy. Vallance needs to be in vacation mode to feel okay. Covid did that really well when I could think clearly, worry about the future in time and avoid my problems till I needed to face them head on. Now it's all mushed through, years of playing video games and now my steam account is dead. I barely play. I wish I could write down my thoughts as presently I can't focus clearly. There are opportunities for me. If I was a better version of myself I could help myself overcome this distraught beget all my thoughts and confine them to myself. I wish I was clear-headed like that. But my mind is a fuzzball seeking eternity. I want to create, need to create every moment I spend waking needs to be in productive thought about what I really want to do, my existence is that of obsession. I'm obsessed with what's in my head. The freaky mumbo-jumbo of futuristic fonts and tidal waves that scream Hallelujah when scratched just in the right way. I wish to create something that eternity says wow and grasps it within its palm trying to contain the thoughts but failing beautifully. I wish to fail in the same way. Beautifully. So my art never fails as bad as I do, so that when I create I know what exactly it is that I'm striving for! That the words find themselves and only my fingers find the right ways to tell the stories in the right words with accurate grammar and beautiful wordings, musing and imagery. THe right tone for every letter used, every beautiful articulated sentence that piercing vibe of the world. No one should be able to understand what's in my head because I don't know where it is. Where is my mind? When I say this I realise that these words are a bunch of nothings and every syllable that I place down in this board is meaningless and when you find this you'll realise I'm a worthless writer not worth paying any heed to. That all my sentences are hollow and lifeless and that my words don't fit the right way, I must learn this before I get too carried away with finishing each sentence as complicated and as flowing that it may seem. My thoughts are done.