synecdoche

 

"Tum log har kaam chance ho toh hi karte ho kya?" 

Since the last week, I've been going back and forth with assignments and submissions. I'm tired. I remember back in school, or maybe high school. Things were so different. I used to get my assignments checked on time, nothing bothered me so I did what I had to do. When I heard about kids not doing their assignments, submissions, and practicals as punctually and gracefully as I did (at the time) I'd chuckle and cross them off of a mental checklist. The checklist symbolized a thing for me. The people not to talk to, hangout or hang out too much with, the ones to stray away from, the losers, the crybabies, the knockoffs of the knockoffs; every time someone made it into this list of mine, I'd smile and congratulate myself for not being an A1 loser. But that's changed now. I used to ease into every situation and got the best out of it every time. It was the very thing that charmed me about myself. But lately, the scene's gloomy. Whenever I think about doing something I wish to do, I constantly attack myself. It's the guilt that ate me and my heart through the days of high school. It's come back and it bewilders my being more than ever. 

I was one of the two people who were the last ones to submit and get the term works stamped. It did bother me but not enough, my checklist resurfaced, and at the top of that list: "Vallance".

I don't know why I function this way, maybe this blog is a memento or a long-drawn research paper that I fill my surveys duly time and time again to figure out why I am the way I am. Someone needs to find out why one day and let me know. I used to think I'm self-aware enough to know myself. 

On Monday, eleven of us sat outside the emergency room of Holy Family hospital at 5 PM. Indra and I sat on the other side of the door to the emergency room and talked about what the fuck is going on. I told him we'd never be able to say our lives are boring again. These past two months have been hell. I forgot to tell you the reason why we were there. Sachi fell and split his chin, he injured his shoulders, his left arm, and knees; he had to get three stitches on his chin to get it back. It was the first time I actually saw one of my friends injured. Or bleeding. Like I've seen a guy on a football field gets his face kicked in or someone playing during a PT lecture falling and splitting their head on the tiles below. But they've never really been people I've actually known. Mild acquaintances getting hurt is ideal, but seeing one of your best friends hurt is different. I didn't enjoy it. Although I made jokes and tried to lighten everyone up by telling them we should get Hersch as it was next to the hospital. Making jokes like ah at least now we have a reason to visit that bakery or eat there.

Truth is, I always wanted to see the insides of that hospital, I was there earlier that same day when I had to get printouts for my assignment and I thought I want to see this place from the inside just to see what the insides of an Emergency Room are like. Is it like the movies I've watched or is it like one of the many medical tv series I've binged? Indra said it reminded him of 'Nothing Lasts Forever'. Somehow, passing the day in a hospital made me feel somewhat at ease about the state of things. No, I'm not free and I don't have time to be here but at least this gives me a gap to breathe and sit down with my friends with actually sitting around and joking about threatening Sachi that we'd call his mom if he doesn't.  

I had my first practical on Wednesday and it was alright. The VIVA instructor quickly assessed me and knew that I didn't know shit. Judah answered as much as she could, but even then the questions got repetitive and annoying. I did a classic Val Jugaad for my practical by manipulating the output which the supervisor didn't bother to pay attention to anyway. But since it worked, I was in high spirits again. We spent the rest of the day at Sachi's house, drank Old Monk, and joked about his face. He seemed alright, his wounds were healing. His eye had swollen up and he said his chin didn't hurt as much. It was a nice day. On the way back, we had a shocking revelation that Indra had a kid sister which he hadn't told us about for 2 years. We grilled him over it and got mad at him. Another day of being mad at him. Good day. I've got to go now, I've got ice cream waiting for me.