documenting, god-fearing and lifting the veil

 

Memories from this past week have been haunting me. Monday possibly one of my worst days in years and the week I've had after that is so different. If Monday did not happen, I wouldn't be constantly questioning so many things at once. There's an uneasiness in my brain as of now. It is caused by the severe lack of control over my fate. Engineering was a mistake. My life is on the wrong path right now. If I had realized I would be thinking like this three years ago I'd stop myself right there. But back then I did not know what I'd be good at. I don't know if I'm a good director but I know when something is well made. Maybe if I had the right help and not a bunch of pussy cat dolls I'd get things done. I want to do this. I want to break the cycle. I want to finish a visually striking, bold and honest-to-God film about everything I have wanted to make. I will not concern myself about the story anymore, the story is irrelevant. I will journey the character. I need to shoot the next thing, I want to make the colour right, I want to tell the story visually and this thing inside me. I want to rip it out and butcher it. I read articles about how to be a filmmaker in this goddamn country. The courses that last years demand a barrel worth of money and the jobs from it pay a teenth of that. They said make films. Shorts, find your style, find your rhythm. I wish I can do that but for now how do I build this story. If I wrote myself into it, how can I make this the masterpiece I wish to create. Now I will think, think about how I want to do, what I want to do and when do I do it. I will create films. A mosaic stuck in time. I will write epics. Ones that people will draw from for years. I think I will do this fruitfully for years to come. When I think about this for the life of me I dont know what to do actually. How do I even begin where do I go from here?