the death of love

Tanu sent me a post today which talked about in marriages, love dies because people fall in love with a stranger and marry them. But if it was your bestfriend then the conversation would never end.

It made me wonder does love die when you don't express it? I believe love is something held deep inside you even if you don't say it out loud ever other day. I don't need to see my friends everyday for me to realise that I love them. I see them as they are. Even those I have lost over the years. The ones I haven't spoken to in years.

I don't think love ever dies. That's a wild concept to have. like I genuinely have a place for everyone who I've ever loved in my heart. Even S with her flaws, A with his backstabbing and S² for her complicity. This is the reason why I woke up crying 2 weeks ago when I saw my school mates in my dream because I miss them so much and I haven't seen them in years but their lack of maturity hurts me more than it does them. when being with them would hurt me more than being without them. I'm okay with the idea of loving from afar and wishing kindness on people who were once close to me.

I think that's the best you can do for them and for yourself in this lifetime.  I think it's tiresome too. it comes from the belief that people around you are genuinely good people with intentions. 

they then become victims of malicious envy or malicious hatred and then they're not who they used to be once.

but if you believe they were once good people with hearts, then you can continue loving them. S's trauma barred her from feeling relationships in the realest sense. She couldn't last without conflict and hence she fucked up every last relationship she had before she fucked off to USA.

A's hatred turned him blind to the fact that I genuinely considered him a friend and expected him to lend me a hand in a time where I needed him and he left me stranded. I hated him for a while then I realised I don't. Then what Kevin told me was the final nail in the coffin and it sealed the faith for our friendship.

I hold a lot of hate and I hold a lot of love. I'm the candle that melts but still stands tall rebuilt by the same wax. I'm never fully down nor really fully up.

Every relationship I've had romantic, platonic, friends, family has had an impact far greater on me than I could imagine. And now of my feelings have ever been malicious towards them.