where did it begin?

 

where did it begin? did it begin this morning, when I left empty-stomached? Or last night after my conversations with Sachi? Was it when I was 8 and didn't know what I wanted to do, but wanted to be a filmmaker? I don't know. I'll start with what I know; last night I wrote these messages to my love:

There's this thing on my mind 

That I have tried to put to words but haven't been successful enough

To convey correctly

Maybe my actions make it obvious but how do I start

Where do I begin

I have been training to be an engineer since I was 10

And now that I'm here I realised I really dislike the environment I'm in

I don't want to be an engineer

They're not passionate and disloyal

They're stupid annoying breed

I do not want to associate with the name

I want to be a filmmaker but where do I go how do I begin

My father will retire when I finish my final year, I'll have to begin work

Take care of the family

I'll have to provide for my parents

And myself

For the rest of my life

Get serious they say

But how do I even begin, my state is almost laughable

I'm in the prison of the making of those who wanted to be in it themselves

I feel so stuck at the idea of being an engineer

Will no one ever get me

Will no one ever console me

Will no one ever understand me

Maybe I don't want to be understood

Maybe I just want to be left alone

I only live and breathe in stories now

The Vallance that exists only remains to convey that, its his only thought, his pride and his strength

Take that away and there's no Vallance

I think somewhere between these lines I found an epiphany when I realized that there could be more. But it might be much later for me than it's for the others. And that bought me some peace. Then, this morning changed things for the worse. I'm in line for my PPT today. They told me that I'd have to be present at 2.30 PM for it. I did not realize this would be a bad decision because the events of today turned out to be so fucking bad, I'm at a loss when I've to describe them.

It started at 6.15 AM, I'd woken up from a nightmare and went back to sleep to face another nightmare. 7.15 I get up and start texting Abhay he's been compliant all morning, it was nice and we spoke about what lecture we'd bunk and how we'd prep for the PPT. I didn't eat breakfast but brushed my teeth at my mother's command. I was puking but nothing came out when I brushed my teeth since I was on an empty stomach. Before I left, I forgot to touch the altar which I usually do before anything important. 

On the train I met the single-most dumbest annoying old man I've ever seen, he asked me to move and make space for him and when I declined; he began insulting me and calling himself uneducated yet smarter than me. I somehow let him sit next to me as he began saying "Ganpati Bappa" and a crowd of his friends replied "Morya!" He continued with the chants everytime we stopped at a station,  "Vande!" "Mataram!" "Vande!" "Mataram!"; I began ignoring them quickly. 

As I was about to get down from the train, I received a call from Atharva, my other group member saying he'd not be able to come for the PPT as he has a fever. I quickly got annoyed, said it was fine and hung up on him. I knew I just needed Abhay and we'd handle it as we had in the past. On the bus, I met Sachi and Manasvi, but I didn't speak to them because I was already annoyed with everything. I kept quiet. At some time during the ride, these little drops of water from the rain started coursing its way through a crack in the roof and falling right on top of my head. It infuriated me. WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. 

We got down, I treaded my way through the rain already half-drenched with Sachi and Manasvi, we do make some conversation but it was very minimal. In the library, as we sat there I heard the crowd roaring and yelling as they spoke. I think to myself, what kind of a zoo is this? This is important for later. This thought. We still sat through the fish market and me and Sachi softly spoke about everything and we still weren't making much noise. Sandra, Pratham and Siddhi visited us. I saw Mohini but didn't speak to her. Chinmay was right behind me, working on some assignment. I tried reaching Abhay as I was waiting for him since 9.45 AM which was when we'd decided to meet. 3 times I called him, he didn't pick up. But he called back Sachi right after he called him, this is where it happened. Abhay had messaged me 3 minutes back that he'd not come to college. My rage got the best of me, I quietly yelled at him telling him he should come and I had been waiting for him. That's when the peon (Man) interrupted me, he told me to leave from there since phones are not allowed in the library. This caught me up in a really bad moment. But my mouth seemed to be a separate entity from myself. I wanted to fight someone, it turned out to be this man. I began yelling at him, I don't know what came over me. He got mad too, he told me to go with him to the principal and challenged me. I don't know why it happened this way but I accepted his challenge. I told him to show me the principal's room. And he left, 5 minutes later he comes back and tells me to come with him. I was still enraged wanting to fight anyone who'd show up to me. I didn't know this principal, in fact I'd never even seen him, yet.

When I entered the cabin, he asked me for my ID card as I tried to explain the situation to him. Even he challenged me saying he didn't want to hear a thing from my mouth. I bought him my ID card and began explaining my thing, I wasn't saying the truth. I kept making up stuff. It was weird. He asked me for my phone and told me I didn't belong in his college, that he'd cancel my placements and LOR's; to forget about my career and higher studies if I wanted any, he asked me my CET score which he regarded as low. I almost told him to do whatever the fuck he wants. I did not care. Not about myself, nor anyone or how anyone would view this. Thankfully, I didn't snap a second time.

He thought I was arrogant, he spoke to my mother and explained what had happened. I didn't feel a thing, it was rather funny I'd add. I wanted to see how she'd react to my principal calling 3 hours after I left home. My father was leaving for Pune, I thought about how he'd react to the call. I forgot to add this I fought the principal because he asked me for my phone pin. In my defense, I had no clue what he actually wished to do with my phone. Only that it was in his hands and I didn't like anyone touching my stuff. A whopping 10 minutes later I left and it was fine I think. I don't know, you tell me what you think. Since then, I've had two suicidal thoughts and one thought about dropping out. But I'm not that weak so I'll persist. I don't feel like talking to anyone, nor explaining myself anymore. I apologized to the peon, even though I didn't mean a word of it and to the librarian who began venting out to me saying kids keep talking and this is not the environment a library should be and how she doesn't understand why it's happening this way. I heard her out, but what the fuck. I'm done. Just done.