downplay, restraint and some thoughts.

 

Art by Tanushi Chopra, my love. 

https://www.instagram.com/artandphotus/

In recent years, I've sobered down would be putting it loosely. When I was sixteen, I had a defined idea of manhood; a man is RED, he's flashy, aggressive and egotistical. He listens to his own mind, commits his own will and thinks his own thoughts. This idea however so it may be, was agreed upon by a population higher than I could comprehend and its what has always been taught to me. Not through family, but through friends, media and films. I remember watching Breaking Bad in the 10th grade and Giancarlo Esposito's character Gustavo Fring, telling the protagonist Walter White that 'A man provides, even when he's not appreciated by his family. because that is what a man does.' something along these lines and I was wowed about how easily that connects to me and my idea of masculinity.

A few months down the line, I meet a girl and she tells me how sweet I am. How brilliant are those who raised me because my ideals are to die for. I saluted my sister and mother for them, well deservedly. It didn't stop the girl from walking all over me and disrespecting me numerous times. After I let go of her, I turned to my idea of hyper-masculinity, toxicity and just bare disrespect out of spite you could say.

The thing is, since then, I've always restrained myself. Imagine a situation where there's this guy, standing at the door of the train and telling you he can't give you space to leave because it's illogical. Looking at this guy, you see a stupid mohawk and his own dumb face as his wallpaper. Also he can't spell 'committee' (It was one of the names saved on his WhatsApp). All I wanted to tell this man was 'you know what's illogical, your mohawk!' but he probably wouldn't know what that'd mean either so I restrain myself, I smile at his stupid face and then give him a look and tell him if he doesn't move I'll push him out when the train starts moving. That made complete sense to him.

An alternate version of me would've started a verbal fight with this man, it wouldn't be for the purposes of getting down. It would just be to assert dominance in a primal sort of fashion. A fight between two lions, if you wish to say; I'd call them boars because not as cunning as foxes, nor the strategic nature of a tiger. We'd be boars, just brawn and no brains; fighting because its the manly thing to do.

Back to where we started, restraint is a powerful device. Knowing where to say and what to say might be the better and stronger thing to do, but something I've gotten to doing recently is downplaying myself. I do not completely understand what it accomplishes. I'll give you examples of this, sometimes while speaking I say things incoherently or say something else in a wildly obvious 'I'm-changing-the-subject' manner. It doesn't get me attention, it doesn't let everyone make a fair assessment of how to measure me up completely, I don't know what it does still, but its doing something. Things feel different now. Sometimes I don't study for tests, mostly out of lack of interest but also because of this. I say I don't care about marks, I actually don't. How it doesn't affect me at all has started affecting me now.

Sometimes I lie about my interests. This is a common one. I don't know if its restraint or maybe I just don't like to talk about it with people who wouldn't get it. Today, one of my teachers reviewed my skit, one that I'd written and she mentioned how passionate it was, how good the performances were and how well-executed everything was. She didn't talk about me, I felt bad but then I realized, this was my baby afterall. I'd written this, these were my characters so any praise she offered, it was mine wholly. If she said she liked two side characters, its because I breathed my characters into them or even gave them the right things to say at the right time. And if she said it was passionate; that it contained things no one had spoken about concerning soft skills and psychology, it was because I paid attention to details, I listened to people, I had written them. 

I'd conclude saying that in a future film that I write perhaps, I would like to study restraint and downplaying skills as to a study in human psychology. It'd satisfy me yeah. 

I love you, Tanushi Chopra.