i need a strait-jacket

Since I'm a student of cinema, like everything I'll make references to cinema time and again. In this case, its a little weird. As they show in films, the kid that's the most troublesome, the most rebellious is the most talked-about in the family. Simultaneously the kid is also the most loved. I think that goes for friends too. When I go to my friends' places sometimes I play some of my old favourite videos for them. I played 'by me and mine' for my friends at one of our sleepovers last week and one of them asked me who's this girl with you? She's shown her middle finger at least thrice in this (a detail I hadn't noticed) and I go that's my best friend Siddhi. 

Mhm. That's a such a weird dump. I've seen at least two of my friendships end in disappointment in the last year. Its funny because I try so hard to preserve my relationships. Not just mine with people but them with others too. Now when I need someone to talk to me and help me out, there's no one. Its weird. Gentrified. I don't know what's going through my head at this point. There's this awful atmosphere, maybe I'm the only one who feels it. But its that nightmare where I'm stuck in plaster and all my friends are on-lookers and admirers. They don't interfere. They leave me in the plaster. I dry out the water in my flesh till I'm only bone. They grow old. 

It's difficult to say I don't expect things from anyone. I do expect but its usually the bare minimum. I expect a friendship to be two ways where I help, they help me out too. One where when we fight both sides take an approach to resolve the conflict rather than draw it out. That's a courtesy I extend to all my friends. I've spoken so many times and tried to resolve shit. But it always ends so hmm. Anticlimactic. I don't think much about anyone else anymore. I'm beginning to think people don't deserve this special star-sort of treatment. Friends or best friends everyone should remain on the same level. Just six feet away and no emotional dependance. When the dependance increases, so do expectations and so do desires. I don't know where I'm going with this. Why is encumbrance so famous if it sucks? What is it about nature or nurture I don't understand? Why is change so hard to bring? A note my mother gives me pretty often is that the five people closest to you define who you are as a person. I don't know which five should I count in? Tanushi tells me I used to see the best in people even if their struggles overwhelmed me. She tells me how she saw me gripe with my own problems and still try to take a stand for everyone because I believed good friends are hard to come by. I believed friends do matter; I counted everyone in it. All 19 of them, then Miransh died, people split, things broke; lives changed. Now three-four odd years in, all it takes is a misunderstanding for things to end. 

If I'm honest, nothing happened between me and her (in my head idk about hers) She called me the day before her birthday, I was waiting till 1.30PM all ready to meet whomsoever that came. I'd put the message on the group as I always did. He was with me because he had his PPT too. I get called up for my presentation and she calls right then, I'm now standing with my laptop in my hand awkwardly asking him to take out the plug and simultaneously telling her that I have my presentation so I can't meet her. 

The day of her birthday I'm studying, I make her an edit because that's the bare minimum. I thought about going to see her but I assumed she had plans and I didn't get time to coordinate because of my schedule. She texts me the next day saying my priorities had switched and I was hanging out with my other friends more? What in the Chinmay?? Anyway, she texts/calls Chinmay about it as I'm telling him what happened. Since it was in the moment, Chinmay tells me about it and I'm like??? I was going for my PPT?? Tanushi received a photograph of me from Rabban so she told her I'm with him. Ngl I was fuming at this point. Did she not know me after four years to assume I'd be making other plans? I had this party planned out in my head like we did for Aarush but this all swept that away in one wash.

It brought to my head the memory of Her telling me that she felt the letter I wrote to her about her misgivings the year prior was not justified. Going back to talking about the note my mother gave, if one person close to you says that you're problematic: you do a check. You work on yourself and make yourself better. If two people tell you that, you ask them what's going wrong and ask them to help you out. If everyone you know and is close to you say that, you shouldn't even say anything. Get a strait-jacket.

Today was a weird day. I asked a friend for a favour and she rejected me. It didn't hurt that it was her rejecting my favour. It just felt odd, in the way of realizing how stupid I've been about myself. It takes a lot of strength even to help people, I did my best everytime and it didn't matter. Why do I still think some relationships should be saved? Is my belief overpowering

my sense of justice? Does a friendship with someone who leaves at the drop of a hat even worth saving? I guess not. I really feel so tired of being the one doing all the saving. I don't even want to be saved. I just need to be. I walked out of the field today and Pratham called me, it was refreshing to hear his voice. I had left without saying a word. I felt like crying when he asked me if I was okay. I wasn't. But it helped that he called. Thanks, friend.