berserker armor crumbles

 I didn't realise I'd be writing a blogpost so soon. It's getting to me now.

Ideas are incurable. If you tell someone that something is bad, they'd do it over and over. Being rebels is in the human nature. I don't know if I'm built like this. My brain also works in weird ways. Instead if you plant the idea in someone's head. They'll re-evaluate their entire thinking systems. I don't know what's icked me off today. I feel triggered. Is the reason all encompassing to the political struggles currently faced by the country, or does it run deeper? I do not know. I feel nobody really gets me. I don't know where I got this idea. No matter how much I write, how much I give away about myself, I have keep returning to my blog. Either to pen down my grief or cry my final tears. Am I crying my final tears?

I keep feeling this urge. This impulsive urge to disappear. Without warning. I don't know who will benefit from it. I might. I'll get more time to focus on myself, forget about social conditions, figure out what I really want or like. It just feels other-worldly to think about this. Because I haven't thought like this in years. Last three years I've been the guard dog of institutionality. Unwavering. Focused. With my jaws deep into the canine fodder. I haven't thought about the enaction of war. Or about my future. But the future of the entire unit. Not of myself but of the wholeself. This feels like it holds me back on some days. 

Today is some days. I feel radical. Maybe Berserk has finally begin to grow on me. I feel depressed naturally, its the worst I've felt all year to be honest. I don't remember the feeling of turmoil since I came clean about engineering. Too bad for me to think I'd surpassed that feeling. There's another feeling where I think I'm making a mistake of some sort but I can't pinpoint where it is, or what is it? Is thinking about the wholeself before doing something messing with my psyche? Am I holding myself back in some way that isn't allowing me to grow? Did I make a mistake somewhere I don't know. This is why ideas are the most harmful weapons, once they enter you they grow on you like a parasite. Flicking away your being. Like a bottomless pit in your belly. Like rage. Like depression. Like anxiety. 

Ideas birth feelings; grief, hatred, love, peace what are these if not ideas cast by someone sometime in need of them? Do I need grief? Am I bounding myself with hatred or with love? What's the definition of peace? Is it neutrality, is it being conflict-averse? I think its just live and let live. There's so many other feelings inside me right now that feel so explosive. The feeling of insecurity over religion in this country, the way the media is manipulated; just the way things are. There's an on-going anxiety piling up in me and now that I sat down to write this for a completely different reason that seems to be taking over. I'll let it ride in me for a while before I spit it out like betel leaf. 

It's washed over but there's a feeling of grief. I don't know I feel like I died. I'm here; frankly something died in me. I couldn't be more on the nose about this but I feel different. I breathe different. It really is something. Ideas also help you make some drastic decisions. I want to and chew and kill it before I spit it out; these demon child inside me hollowing me over. Its like a tug-of-war of words. What's the right way or what's the truthful way. Me being sick isn't really helping. This headache feels like a hangover. 

I think maybe I should reconsider some beliefs before I set foot in the world again, let's see. Everything's changed. I don't know what can I even say about it to make it right. To make myself feel whole right now.