chunky oats
A fallacy exists within my family that I'm smart. I might be a part of this fallacy. There's IQ, and EQ, all of this exists. But if my brain is so good at interpreting meaning, why can it not retain information for longer than a flash? I mean, I study, sometimes. I pay attention but I lack both the attention span and the memory retention capabilities that I might have had at one time. I remember liking studying, I enjoyed it so much, learning something and feeling one with the subject. Feeling as though, we were cut from the same cloth, a mutual understanding. I felt it at my 10th boards first. Then 12th, it didn't last after that. It's as though I lost that capability. I lost the ability to remember or pay attention because I'm so at odds with what I desire and how I wish to proceed. Today was the first time I think I've thought this thought but it scared me.
Just thinking about it. I said 'I hate my life.' An outburst of negative thoughts have crawled into my mind, I don't know how I'm going to cope with it. What am I doing here? Who am I trying to prove myself to? I don't have a clue what's the first thing I am doing here. I am not supposed to be here. Not in engineering. Not in any of these fields. I don't know why I thought I belonged. I didn't work hard, I never thought about the difficulties this would bring me. I want to get out. I want out. SO BAD. I don't know how to get out. I feel like crying. FUCK.
I'm so stuck living a life that doesn't want me. Stuck with my friends not talking. Stuck with having to live two life; two dreams: making films and making money. Living happily or living safely. Happy and safe aren't the same. Safety doesn't bring happiness. It gets you comfortable and snuggles you with blankets but you're never yourself when you're comfortable. It breeds bad art. No good art was made from comfort. It lacks the rawness necessary to enunciate along with everything. I hate my life. Because even with the things I know, with the stories revolving in my head, there's nothing I can do about it. How do I break clean? How do I support anyone? How do I create and earn enough for myself? let alone anyone else. I don't want to burden anyone. I just want to live my life my way. Why can't I live my life like I wish to? Why do I adhere to societal standards and expectations? What am I so afraid of losing? I have lost my self-respect, my confidence, this whole engineering thing as I would like to call it: has proved one thing, I hate it here. Every second breathing in the air in those classrooms is suffocating, having to interact with teachers or the staff scares me. I miss being on good terms with teachers. I miss being the bright-eyed boy that smiled and people smiled back. Not the one they asked to stop smiling to.
I'm fucked.
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